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By J. Macey
J. Macey lives in a liberal city in an otherwise unmentionable state and has eyesight permanently damaged from long evenings spent writing at an old wooden desk in an older brick apartment building. The author's angry housecat recently mutilated a handsome antique captains chair that rests its pleather body upon genuine mahogany legs; it was his favorite piece of furniture. It is nearly impossible to find quality pleather furniture, so if you do, defend it from said tabby. She is 11" tall and does not answer to anything.

fter sitting in a cubicle all week, there’s nothing I enjoy more than disco.  Away from my boring breeding co-workers, a night spent dancing with a group of sweaty, shirtless, gregarious, and generally hot guys is relaxing and reminds me that there’s light at the end of the workweek.  Even if most of the people in the club are strangers, there’s a sense of commonality that I have neither experienced nor witnessed at straight clubs; straight guys fight, queer guys vogue. That’s why having our own separate space is so important.

As a toned 20-something with a thick head of hair and a flattering wardrobe, and especially as a top, I get my fair share of attention at the clubs.  But even if I happen to be single at the time, and even if the potential suitor appears to fit my ridiculously narrow parameters for potential boyfriends, I’m rarely interested in allowing anything to develop.  It took awhile to not feel like a loser dancing only with friends, or alone, but it also took me a long time to learn that I look better without rings on half my fingers and a silver chain beneath my chest hair.

One drunken Saturday night, after the friends I’d come with had hooked up with other people, I decided to approach a guy who’d thrown me a couple glances.  We had a great time.  He met all the prerequisites: height (not too tall); hair (full and dark), and position (bottom, bottom, bottom!). When he yell-whispered into my ear the precise kink that consumes my fantasies, I almost took him home. 

But take him home I didn’t. I told him to wait for me while I went to use the bathroom. But I never came back.  Instead, my buddies and I stumbled to the 24-hour greasy diner requisite of a proper gay night out and made our way home, completing another gloriously repetitive night.  Needless to say, the next day I felt like a complete asshole.

For me, casually dating or fucking guys is a lot of work.  In fact, to the surprise of many, I find that it can be harder with men than with women.  We’ve all heard the line about bisexuality being sensible because it increases one’s prospective dating pool, and while that’s still true for me, the numbers don’t increase for a female-to-male transsexual top the way they do for non-trans tops. 

It wasn’t too long ago that I discovered the scores of gay bio guys on craigslist looking for gay trans guys.  When I began transition in high school, and later when I discovered the existence of trans guys who like other guys, and even later when I realized my existence as a trans guy who likes every gender (but never blonde), I by no means thought I’d live to see the day that FTMs were fetishized.  For better or worse, everyone knows about transgender women, but female-to-male might as well mean unicorn-to-leprechaun; the general population doesn’t understand we exist, let alone how cool we are.  (Well, some of us.)  Now that more and more gay guys are realizing that they can enjoy dating and fucking us, the lives of biomen-loving-transguys are changing.

However, with appreciated exception, almost every FTM-chasing fag is looking for a bottom.  There are a lot of FTM-chasing tops and FTM bottoms, and I’ll bet they’re having a lot of hot sex as you read this.  Good for all of them. But back to me:  What’s a transguy top to do?  I can’t speak from personal experience, but suspect that most bioguys would rather hear that I have crabs than about the pimped out equipment I carry below my belt.

Due to this frustrating reality, I don’t sleep around, and I am discriminating about whom I’ll pursue.  At this point in my life, as a young, untethered, self-sufficient, and generally confidant and content man, I don’t pursue anyone I don’t have reason to believe is worth the hassle.  Bottoms are a lot of work, whether they love you or not.  I don’t like to waste my time or anyone else’s.

I’m not one of those FTMs who thinks that we should deny the benefits of the tranny bonus hole; far from it.  As someone who loves and appreciates bottoms, and sort of relies upon them to have real sex, I think it’s great when other transmen are able to fully utilize the complexities of their bodies while retaining their sense of masculinity and integrity.  Smoke ’em if you’ve got ’em. 

I, however, am not a bottom.  This seems to leave guys confused as to what, exactly, I expect to do with them.  For example, there’s the closet-case who bottomed with every other guy he was with, who I handcuffed and spanked, who still thought I was a bottom.  After untying him, he nervously moved between my legs, furrowed his brow, and took aim before I realized his intentions. 

It’s not just the prospect of having sex with me that seems to confuse guys, though. Then there’s the guy I met at a club and went out with a few times.  He was gorgeous, and on our first date unexpectedly told me, “I will cook for you, I will clean for you, but I am keeping my job!  Now watch the movie.”  Upon learning what makes me so interesting, he looked devastated and said that he had to go home to take a nap.  I never saw him again, and needless to say, that’s a good thing. 

I’ve been talking tranny to friends, enemies, schools, co-workers, and medical and social service providers for years now.  Though I’ve gained insight and otherwise benefited from doing so, that game for me is as played out as the phrase played out.  Once tragically desperate to discuss gender until I lost the energy to lift my perfectly pomaded head, eventually it seems that I said everything I had to say – repeatedly – to varying reactions. Thus, in an effort to preempt more talk (any short, dark haired, funny vegetarian bottoms reading this?), let me cover some of the important stuff right here – some of the stuff I’m tired of explaining.  You’ll notice that I am most tired of explaining the physical mechanics of my body, as other aspects of transgender life are at least more likely to avoid me repeating myself.  Hopefully if I hit on you you’ll know what to look forward to having read this.

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Dmoore said:

A very thought provoking story. I never thought of transmen in that way. It was hot! I have always wondered how FTM's had sex and with whom and now I guess I know. So thank you for the education and the understanding of a mystery that I have always wanted to slove. I do find a lot of trans guys that I have meet over the years sexy and handsome and have a greater apprication for them. Great story

Posted at: May 20, 2008 6:17 PM

Juan said:

I agree: EXTREMELY thought provoking! I'll have to digest this one over the next couple of days.

Posted at: May 20, 2008 11:07 PM

Oliver FP said:

I think I love you.

"My body is already awesome" - exactly, and the reason I will never, ever have bottom surgery. Especially as I *am* a gay bottom (which on its own immediately makes me the target of continuous "why don't you "just stay a girl""s - because... well, BECAUSE because!)

"a flaccid penis tends to appear depressed and resigned, as though the subject of an insufferable country song"


Anyway, hooray for lovely trans-body-positivity.

Posted at: September 24, 2008 10:30 AM

jesse said:

Great essay.

I'm a gay transguy, and a bottom, but alas, a blond. :P

Good luck in your search.

Posted at: October 12, 2008 7:19 PM

Charles said:

Hehe, and I'm a gay bio guy, and versatile, and dark-haired ;)

Posted at: October 12, 2008 8:13 PM

Hideto said:

Wit like that usually gets paid several million per movie and has an Oscar or two under its belt.

Praise whatever you praise that there's someone out there like you. Keep up the damn fine livin'.

Posted at: October 13, 2008 8:59 PM

Asher said:

You're my hero.

Posted at: October 16, 2008 11:32 PM

Elliott said:

I am a dark haired, 5'7" trans man vegetarian bottom in his twenties who would like to believe he is funny...but that aside, I find you intriguing and this essay is very witty.

Posted at: October 20, 2008 1:56 AM

Julian said:

Thank god someone finally says something for the top trannyfags! Excellent article. Well written and witty.

Posted at: October 20, 2008 4:35 AM

Sebastien said:

Good read. Good read.

I myself am an FtM, gay top,
and I really enjoyed reading this.
Really made my night.

Posted at: December 1, 2008 12:11 AM

Charles said:

Very good article. I'm FtM, bi, and prefer to top, but it's not easy to explain, expecially when you're not keen on bottom surgery.

Mostly, though, I just appreciate you telling the world that we would know better than anyone how unsuited we are to being female. We've done it!

Posted at: December 8, 2008 1:10 AM

Alec said:

Shit, that was a great article. I'm also a FTM top fag, but I haven't yet transitioned. I'm not gonna go thru the bottom surgery either. I don't want something that might not work and might endanger my health, since what I've got now does work. And for example strap-ons are there for a reason. Thank you for the essay, it really made my day. It's a relief to know I'm not alone.

Posted at: December 13, 2008 6:05 PM

Nicky said:

thanks for writing this, it has made me (as a ftm bottom) feel better

Posted at: February 19, 2009 1:43 PM

Merric said:

As a pansexual ftm, this really made my day to read. Thank you!

Posted at: March 26, 2009 5:00 AM

Logan said:

Bravo, Bravo... if I lived in your city I'd buy you a drink of choice as kudos for this empowering article of yours.

Posted at: May 27, 2009 9:40 AM

Jude said:

Thank you for sharing and being open about our (trans) bodies and desires and variety. I can feel the love.

Posted at: November 28, 2009 7:28 PM

zanni said:

thank u for the awesome article. im pre-transition ftm gay top... lol u should have taken that dude from the club home and just kind of raped him LOL!
seriously, "real" d*cks suck donkey balls. i can attest to it as someone who, in the past, tried 2 live as a female...they never can be the right size, they do go flassid, and once it's up its got 2 be used or it'll go flassid--who needs this
? i never got any fun from that junk. on top of it all, they carry diseases. u can buy a new dildo for a new parner... but u can't change the dick that got STDs on it. plus they can't act as a vibrator (which is more fun).. honestly i dunno why pple even enjoy the "natural" stuff at all.

Posted at: March 3, 2010 5:31 PM

Alex said:

I am a pre-T FtM gay bottom are just fantastic. You have a great flair for writing. Made my day :D

Posted at: July 12, 2010 7:09 AM

LeatherBodhi said:

As a fellow FTM queer Leather top, I loved this essay and I may just forward it to damn near everybody.

Posted at: July 26, 2010 5:11 PM

Beautiful Boy said:

Hi, just wanted to say this article is very inspiring.

I'm not sure if I'm trans yet, but obviously the male component plays a bigger part in my brain. :) It's nice to see ever so confident transguys like you. Maybe some day I'll go get transition too.

Posted at: September 1, 2010 3:50 AM

Anonymous said:

Great article. I think it can be helpful to have really open discussions before sex about what you want and what they want. For everyone, cis or trans. The terms "top" and "bottom" don't mean exactly the same thing to everyone.

@zanni - Can we please not joke about rape? It's not funny.

Posted at: June 4, 2012 2:58 PM

Anonymous 1 said:

This is a beautiful article. I don't do guys who are just tops but more power to them.

Consensual sex is important for everyone regardless of whether they're cissexist assholes or not. Thank you @Anonymous, rape is not at all funny, ever, ever, ever as someone who is cis, gay and a rape survivor.

It's so fucked how rape culture persists everywhere...

Posted at: November 6, 2012 1:21 PM