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By J. Macey
J. Macey lives in a liberal city in an otherwise unmentionable state and has eyesight permanently damaged from long evenings spent writing at an old wooden desk in an older brick apartment building. The author's angry housecat recently mutilated a handsome antique captains chair that rests its pleather body upon genuine mahogany legs; it was his favorite piece of furniture. It is nearly impossible to find quality pleather furniture, so if you do, defend it from said tabby. She is 11" tall and does not answer to anything.

Foremost, before getting to the flesh and bolts, know that my masculinity is not debatable.  If you’re having a hard time seeing me as a man, deal with it.  I’m probably having a hard time seeing you as interesting.  Don’t explain to me the conditions under which you will accept my masculinity, or those under which you will not (“Well, as long as you stand up…”).  Remember that heterosexism questionnaire that delighted you the first five times you read it?  The one that asks how people know they’re straight if they’ve never made sweet, sweet love to someone of the same sex?  Well, I’ve lived as a woman.  I’ve seen the ‘other’ side (though we all know gender isn’t really binary, right?) and know in my heart that I am not one.  Most men know that without ever having lived as a woman; I at least made the effort to do the research.  If there were only so much masculinity to go around, who would be more deserving:  the guy who hardly noticed his, or the one who dwelled on it, paid countless dollars, lost the support of supposedly supportive people, and generally took great risks to be who he is? 

As are many FTMs, I am passable.  Unless you have seen many, many transguys, (seriously, a lot of transguys) you’d assume I was born male if I approached you at a bar.  I am officially average height for an American man, tragically hairy, and last month I was called “straight-acting” by a guy who seemed to think I would find it a compliment.  As are many FTMs, I have a muscular chest with surgical scars - which I’d prefer were absent, or at least less prominent, but the fact is that I was stacked, and I’m grateful that the surgeon got the topography right.  Being able to just put on a t-shirt and rush out the door is a luxury I now try to remember to not take for granted.

There are many reasons that transguys often choose not to have bottom surgery.  Amongst them are access to proper medical care, the monetary cost, and dangerously varying results.  My reason, however, is that after top surgery and the better part of a decade on testosterone, my body is already awesome.

The clitoris has over 8,000 nerve fibers, more than any other organ in the body of any sex, and exists solely for sexual pleasure.  Mine is on steroids.  Time permitting, I can orgasm about five times a day and never once make a mess.  Impotence isn’t anything for me to worry about (my impotence, that is).  Partners with sensitive gag reflexes have no problem with me, but can feel in their mouths the difference between erection and post-erection.  If I am so horny that my vision blurs, I can slip my hands into my jeans and bring myself sexual relief without the sounds or evidence typical of bio males.  There’s no need for a jock strap, because my equipment doesn’t flop all over the place (rude!).  Then there’s my opinion that a flaccid penis tends to appear depressed and resigned, as though the subject of an insufferable country song.  If I want to piss standing up, or bend a hot guy over the couch and fuck him, I have attachments that will do the trick – any size, shape, or color, electric or standard, so long as we both shall live.  Transguys and our appendages have come a long, long way together.  And if the health of a particular appendage was to come into question, it could be replaced much more easily than one permanently attached to my body. 

To take this thorough analysis one step further, men-loving-bio men:  If you assume your partner needs a dick to give you a good time in bed, you are unimaginative and uninspired and possibly not doing it right.  Necessity breeds creativity, and I’ve learned how to get what I want and fulfill my partner at the same time.  If you’re dependent upon something up your ass to get off, great; you can suck off your FTM top and have him bend you over within moments – we don’t take nearly as long to recharge.  More bang for your buck.

I could have explained all this to the hot guy at the disco that night, and maybe I should have.  But I wasn’t obligated to share so much about myself after a little dancing and groping, or give an impromptu workshop on tranny loving, or – worst case scenario – have to defend myself in any way.  I shouldn’t have to, because I’m not wearing a disguise.  What you see is what you get, and if you’re seeing things that aren’t there, you need to watch more Priscilla.  Assumption is the mother of all fuck ups, baby.  Maybe I could have taken home that hot, dark-haired bottom, pushed him down, and gotten right to business without giving him the chance to be a jerk.  Maybe he’d spent years dating FTM tops and hoped I was one.  How the hell do I know?

The moral of the story is that there’s often more to transmen than meets the inexperienced eye.  We were never the elusive unicorns that we are sometimes made out to be, though we played the part of something that felt comparably foreign.  Take it from a top, guys:  If you come across a hot transguy whilst cruising the bars, consider whether you are reading his sexuality correctly.  If you make the right moves, he, like a leprechaun, may just bring you good luck.  You might not be used to our charms, but they’re delicious.

Well, mine are, at least.

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Dmoore said:

A very thought provoking story. I never thought of transmen in that way. It was hot! I have always wondered how FTM's had sex and with whom and now I guess I know. So thank you for the education and the understanding of a mystery that I have always wanted to slove. I do find a lot of trans guys that I have meet over the years sexy and handsome and have a greater apprication for them. Great story

Posted at: May 20, 2008 6:17 PM

Juan said:

I agree: EXTREMELY thought provoking! I'll have to digest this one over the next couple of days.

Posted at: May 20, 2008 11:07 PM

Oliver FP said:

I think I love you.

"My body is already awesome" - exactly, and the reason I will never, ever have bottom surgery. Especially as I *am* a gay bottom (which on its own immediately makes me the target of continuous "why don't you "just stay a girl""s - because... well, BECAUSE because!)

"a flaccid penis tends to appear depressed and resigned, as though the subject of an insufferable country song"


Anyway, hooray for lovely trans-body-positivity.

Posted at: September 24, 2008 10:30 AM

jesse said:

Great essay.

I'm a gay transguy, and a bottom, but alas, a blond. :P

Good luck in your search.

Posted at: October 12, 2008 7:19 PM

Charles said:

Hehe, and I'm a gay bio guy, and versatile, and dark-haired ;)

Posted at: October 12, 2008 8:13 PM

Hideto said:

Wit like that usually gets paid several million per movie and has an Oscar or two under its belt.

Praise whatever you praise that there's someone out there like you. Keep up the damn fine livin'.

Posted at: October 13, 2008 8:59 PM

Asher said:

You're my hero.

Posted at: October 16, 2008 11:32 PM

Elliott said:

I am a dark haired, 5'7" trans man vegetarian bottom in his twenties who would like to believe he is funny...but that aside, I find you intriguing and this essay is very witty.

Posted at: October 20, 2008 1:56 AM

Julian said:

Thank god someone finally says something for the top trannyfags! Excellent article. Well written and witty.

Posted at: October 20, 2008 4:35 AM

Sebastien said:

Good read. Good read.

I myself am an FtM, gay top,
and I really enjoyed reading this.
Really made my night.

Posted at: December 1, 2008 12:11 AM

Charles said:

Very good article. I'm FtM, bi, and prefer to top, but it's not easy to explain, expecially when you're not keen on bottom surgery.

Mostly, though, I just appreciate you telling the world that we would know better than anyone how unsuited we are to being female. We've done it!

Posted at: December 8, 2008 1:10 AM

Alec said:

Shit, that was a great article. I'm also a FTM top fag, but I haven't yet transitioned. I'm not gonna go thru the bottom surgery either. I don't want something that might not work and might endanger my health, since what I've got now does work. And for example strap-ons are there for a reason. Thank you for the essay, it really made my day. It's a relief to know I'm not alone.

Posted at: December 13, 2008 6:05 PM

Nicky said:

thanks for writing this, it has made me (as a ftm bottom) feel better

Posted at: February 19, 2009 1:43 PM

Merric said:

As a pansexual ftm, this really made my day to read. Thank you!

Posted at: March 26, 2009 5:00 AM

Logan said:

Bravo, Bravo... if I lived in your city I'd buy you a drink of choice as kudos for this empowering article of yours.

Posted at: May 27, 2009 9:40 AM

Jude said:

Thank you for sharing and being open about our (trans) bodies and desires and variety. I can feel the love.

Posted at: November 28, 2009 7:28 PM

zanni said:

thank u for the awesome article. im pre-transition ftm gay top... lol u should have taken that dude from the club home and just kind of raped him LOL!
seriously, "real" d*cks suck donkey balls. i can attest to it as someone who, in the past, tried 2 live as a female...they never can be the right size, they do go flassid, and once it's up its got 2 be used or it'll go flassid--who needs this
? i never got any fun from that junk. on top of it all, they carry diseases. u can buy a new dildo for a new parner... but u can't change the dick that got STDs on it. plus they can't act as a vibrator (which is more fun).. honestly i dunno why pple even enjoy the "natural" stuff at all.

Posted at: March 3, 2010 5:31 PM

Alex said:

I am a pre-T FtM gay bottom are just fantastic. You have a great flair for writing. Made my day :D

Posted at: July 12, 2010 7:09 AM

LeatherBodhi said:

As a fellow FTM queer Leather top, I loved this essay and I may just forward it to damn near everybody.

Posted at: July 26, 2010 5:11 PM

Beautiful Boy said:

Hi, just wanted to say this article is very inspiring.

I'm not sure if I'm trans yet, but obviously the male component plays a bigger part in my brain. :) It's nice to see ever so confident transguys like you. Maybe some day I'll go get transition too.

Posted at: September 1, 2010 3:50 AM

Anonymous said:

Great article. I think it can be helpful to have really open discussions before sex about what you want and what they want. For everyone, cis or trans. The terms "top" and "bottom" don't mean exactly the same thing to everyone.

@zanni - Can we please not joke about rape? It's not funny.

Posted at: June 4, 2012 2:58 PM

Anonymous 1 said:

This is a beautiful article. I don't do guys who are just tops but more power to them.

Consensual sex is important for everyone regardless of whether they're cissexist assholes or not. Thank you @Anonymous, rape is not at all funny, ever, ever, ever as someone who is cis, gay and a rape survivor.

It's so fucked how rape culture persists everywhere...

Posted at: November 6, 2012 1:21 PM