|
I hid my true feelings and desire for people of the same
sex my entire life, unable to let what was inside me
merge with my daily life. Being the son of a
domineering mother, I tended to choose strong willed,
domineering wives. In such a household the gender roles
were often reversed and I ended up taking care of the
domestic duties while trying to fulfill my socially
imposed role of father and household provider. I
managed to perform sexually and produce two beautiful
daughters, yet I remained sexually confused and desiring
of sexual contact with men. I loved my wives and, being
a devoted father and loving spouse, I didn’t act on my
same-sex desires with others, yet I indulged my same-sex
fantasies while masturbating, prompting plenty of
self-imposed guilt.
 In my fantasies the men I desired to be with embodied
the most masculine traits possible. Secretly, I was
hoping that somehow, perhaps by “fantasy osmosis”, I
could satisfy both my masculine and feminine needs. I
yearned to abandon my “male” role and embrace that of
the female, being enveloped by that which I felt I was
not.
Based on my life experiences with all kinds of people,
I’ve found that, although some people are truly
exclusively heterosexual or homosexual, a great majority
feel some level of attraction and desire to both sexes.
The men of my era – the “grey flannel suit generation” –
were expected to be manly men and take care of their
wives and children. The hidden lives of several of my
male friends came to light only after I reached
retirement age. A close childhood friend (whose wedding
I attended during the 50s) recently contacted me after
his wife died to tell me that he and his boyfriend were
moving to Key West! If I had known that he was gay, I
probably would have taken him up on his offer to go
hunting all those years ago. I wistfully think of all
those extended trips he took with other “buddies” of
his. I suspect that the Brokeback Mountain story
is not unique: In the woods no one will be wiser as to
how physically intimate two men might be.
I have spent most of my 80 years trying to understand
why I was born into the body I was and why I feel the
way I do toward both men and women. It wasn’t until
recently that I discovered that I was not "abnormal",
but part of the entirety of the human condition. Just
as there is great variation in the human form, there is
variety in human sexual desires. Once society
acknowledges these sexual variations, people with
complimentary sexual desires, gay or straight, will be
free to openly build their lives together and satisfy
their sexual nature.. And once society is open and
honest about sexuality, the surprises and disastrous
repercussions of mispairings and marriages based on
misunderstandings, sexual denial, and outright deceit
will begin to fade.
My life’s path has been determined by what I had to do
in order to survive until I was old and secure enough to
ignore what society wanted. In my dotage, I am
celebrating my true inner self and feel really and truly
free for the first time in all these years.
The title of this anthology, “BEYOND MASCULINITY,”
implies that perhaps the feminine in all of us can be
developed and celebrated, if that is our inclination.
We’re all "queer," really. Very few people measure up
to the idealized roles that our culture dictates for our
bodies. Suppressing that part of us that society has,
in the past, rejected may not be the norm in succeeding
generations. Many more young people are entering
puberty ready to express their true sexuality with
emotional openness and honesty. Depending on the
social, parental, and peer reactions they encounter (as
well as pressure to conform), they will either proceed
into adulthood with sexual maturity or may become
maladjusted based on the sexual experiences and
fantasies of their youth. A yearning to return to that
earlier time of exploration and sexual freedom can often
be inappropriately acted out later in life. Society has
a role to play in seeing that everyone expresses his or
her sexuality, whatever it might be, in a healthy,
honest, and emotionally open way.
 My story is not unique. In all cultures there are men
and women who live with a blend of masculine and
feminine striving to exist beyond the traditional
masculine / feminine dichotomy of society. Most people
want to create something of permanence and value in
their lives. Yet not everyone needs to produce children
to achieve that. Those who don't are free to channel
their creative energies into other areas that may
contribute to and improve society. Love has no gender
preference. From what I observe about the younger
generation, they are embracing the freedom of a
"bisexual" identity with androgynous looks, gender
neutral activities, and couplings based not on
social/genetic “survival” but on attraction alone. I
hope that future generations will be able to explore and
express their sexuality freely and not carry fear,
shame, denial, and frustrated desires into their adult
years.
We are all products of our times and, at least during my
lifetime, the times have changed dramatically. I
discovered my true nature far too late in life to openly
be who I was meant to be and create the life I truly
desired. Watching the youth of today openly discuss
their sexuality and express their inner desires at an
age when it really matters (adolescence) gives an old
man hope that the next generation will push society
“beyond masculinity” into a new era of sexual acceptance
and emotional openness. A new era is coming; if only I
could be here to see it.
|
5 COMMENTS ON THIS ESSAY:
I think this is such a wonderful essay! Unlike any I have read before and unbelievably close to my own thoughts and experiences as a queer man. I use the term "queer" because after years of struggling with my gender identity, I came to the realization that I did not fit into the social binary for sexual orientation (homosexual/heterosexual), any more than I fit into the binary for gender (masculine/feminine).
Gender, throughout my life, has always been a fluctuating form of expression. I cannot say with certainty that at any given moment of my life I was neither entirely masculine, nor entirely feminine. In fact, I do not believe it is possible for such a standard to be achieved -it is rather ridiculous to consider ANY extreme as a natural component of reality. Thus, while I always felt comfortable "being a man", my expression of such a biological categorization included anything from playing with buoyant torpedos in the pool to sitting at the shore of the ocean, with my feet touching the water, writing emotive poetry.
I think that this masculine to feminine flux is an essential part of the human experience, and no matter how much we may try to force ourselves to abide by binary laws, it will always play a role in who we are and how we evolve.
Sexual orientation is no different. Throughout my adolescence, dealing with the fact that I was not automatically stimulated by any member of the opposite sex, led me to believe I must be a homosexual. Yet, upon meeting the woman who has now been my girlfriend for 3 and a half years, I was able to discover a new form of connection with women based entirely on love, which allowed me to liberate my dormant sexual desires toward them.
This did not, however, mean that I was attracted to men any less. In fact, I came to realize that my sexual arousals by men were as common as those I observed in my male peers upon encountering an attractive woman walking down the street. Thus, my sexual evolution has been a process of coming to terms with my unique sexual affinity with my girlfriend, as well as controlling the impulse-driven lust I experienced around men.
William is right in that I have been very fortunate, and I honor the millions of individuals in the generations before me that had to struggle perilously against homophobic oppressions in order to assure me the liberties that I have now.
Why is William defined as gay in his introduction, even though he specifically refers to himself as bisexual in his essay?
In response to Amanda's comment, the introduction was provided by William. And so that was what was printed.
I loved it. However I am to bitter growing up watching people hate me because I have always been openly gay. I lived through the aids 80s and watch so many of my friends die.The young you mentioned celebrating there sexuality do not care or ackowledge what we suffered so they can be them.Yes I guess it makes me bitter.So stop and ask a twenty year old twink about the suffering of the generation that gave them there freedom.
I LOVE this... and @Amanda, I wouldn't say that the author is BISEXUAL at all, merely genderqueer, as bisexuality denotes on sexuality/gender who likes two different genders (usually biomale and biofemale). I can relate to being nonbinary completely. Born into a female body, and probably have a high concentration of testosterone in my system, although never officially found out whether it is the case or not, as it doesn't really matter to me whether I do or not, as it would never make a difference in who I am or where I identify myself. I have been with many people along my sexual journey in this lifetime. Biomale, biofemal, straight,gay, female to male transgender, transgender identified, etc... I do not see myself as male or female. I am both or none. I don't identify gender rolls as a specific gender, and I don't use labels anymore to describe who I am... I am Zan. I am Zan-sexual. I like what Zan likes. I am neither male nor female. I am Zan. I enjoyed reading this posting very much. Thank you for writing it!